Close Topic Options

Ex-member Handshake?

I have a client that I speak to on the phone quite often from back in the mid west... Wyoming? Montana? Somewhere like that. Anyway, he and his wife came to town not long ago, and when he shook hands with me.. it was a very distinct "grip," and startled me! He gave me a wink and a smile, and went on his way. He's been back to the office several times and makes a point of shaking my hand with this "grip" every time. It makes me very uncomfortable (and he knows it), to say the least, because I'm sure he's not active in the church, if he was even a member. It's awkward and inappropriate, and all I could think to do was just not shake hands with him, but... he kept offering it. Thankfully, he's gone back home, and he won't be back (his mother was the reason for his visit, and she passed away).

What should I have done differently, other than just take it? How do you think you would have reacted?

Handshake Ex-member

Keeping in mind that the masons and other groups have similar secret handshakes I would have personally ignored it at first as one should not gesture towards pointing it out, but if it became something that made you uncomfortable then I would politely ask the person why he always shakes hands like 'that'. Based on the answer I may ask them to kindly stop or leave it alone.

Ex-member Handshake? Studies Doctrine Mormon

Well, first of all, I do not think he is a mason, particularly because they will do those handshakes with men, not with women...plus you are saying he gave you a wink and a smile and made you feel uncomfortable which means his intentions were not good in my opinion. It happened to me a couple of times even in Church. This guy who was the Young Men President when I was in YW and I was like 13 years old, he would come and give me a tight, tight hug (he will do it only with me NOT with the other girls). In the begining even though I was uncomfortable, I did not make a big deal because I thought he was just being friendly but when time passed, it started made me really uncomfortable to the point that one day in front of his wife, I said, "You know Brother, I do not think you should keep hugging me everytime you see me. I am a grown young lady now". He was so embarrased, that he just stopped. His wife did not say a word. But I made sure I had witness and what a better witness than his own wife! . Many years later, this same brother literally abandoned his family to go and live in Utah, he also had a woman on the side.

In another ocassion, another Brother from the Church that moved recently to my ward also would give me these long and funny handshakes and also wink at me. I noticed that he used to do that with every young lady in the Church despites the fact that he was married and have 2 kids. One day, after he gave me a handshake in front of his wife I said "Hey Brother, why do you always take so long when you shake my hand, do you have glue on it or what?". He felt so dumb, he did not say anything and he never did it again. Sometimes it takes only ONCE to embarrass the agressor and stop his behavior.

If I was you, I would have said that his handshakes and winks make me uncomfortable IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE. I would not care if they were "good" friends, I would not care to offend them, if something makes me uncomfortable, it is because it is not right and I will definetly let him know about it.

Handshake Ex-member

I think LDS has the correct way to handle it. Of course, I probably wouldn't have handled it that way only because believe it or not, I try to avoid confrontation. I know that is hard to believe and once I get into the confrontational mode, look out, but I try not to let it start. I probably would have avoided his handshake or made a comment that it hurt my hand when he shook it. Pulled away and kind of shook it like it hurt. Next time maybe I would have said something before taking his hand like, "last time you hurt me, none of that this time now, please and smiled."

Now, if by "distinct" grip you are referring to something sacred, then I would not avoid or be coy. I would be direct. I would be and act offended. I would tell him it wasn't appropriate and that I didn't appreciate his efforts at making light of sacred things. Or, maybe like JB suggested, just play like I have no idea what kind of handshake it was and ask him why he shook my hand in such a manner. The latter approach is probably the better one.

Handshake Ex-member

I appreciate all your thoughts on this. I just always felt since there were always several people around that it was inappropriate for me to "call" him on it -- particularly because it was something I felt was sacred, I didn't feel comfortable asking about it publicly. However, I see now that I *should* have -- specifically because it was a public setting and would have embarrassed him instead of me. (Ah, why is hindsight always easier?)

Ex-member Handshake?

I would feel uncomfortable too if something like that happened to me. Maybe he was trying to have 'fun' or make fun of you if he knew you are a member of the church.