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Confused About Mothers Behaviour

Hi all,

I am wondering if anyone has ever seen this before in an adult. My mother is in her 70's. She has had an alcohol dependency as long as I have been aware. She has been married to my father for 47 years. Her alcohol problem is one of any excuse, or not as the case may be. she is not constantly drunk. She has a couple of medical problems which dictate she should not drink, but she still does.
She is obsessed with her friends. She has various groups of friends who never meet. One group consists of 3 people including her, who she went to school with. I am the eldest of 2 children. my sibling being 3 years younger. Since she got married she has dictated that she will have one night out per week with her 2 old school friends, this includes when we were young.
If anything happens within the family, she rings people up to tell them what is going on. It can be about me, my hubby, my sibling or my children. She does not give us any sympathy, but I realised a few years ago that she 'leeches' sympathy from all of her friends. She seems to dote on things happening to us, so that she can get as much attention as possible. It seems that everyone she knows, is up to date on our lives. this resulted in telling her as little as possible. I cannot remember her ever saying when something bad has happened, are you ok, or how are you feeling? No empathy whatsoever. for years I thought that the problems were my father, then I realised that it was her manipulating my sibling and I.
My father has allowed her to do what she wants. She didn't work for years after I was born. He worked long and difficult hours so she could have a house where she had dreamt of having one from being young. She has had holidays abroad since the early 70's. Anything and everything to please her.
I am terrified of her. When she has had a drink she is a nasty piece of work. I remember being about 11, and her screaming at me to come down stairs to tell my father what I had said when he was out. basically she was arguing with him, and she needed backup. I lost all respect for her this day and have never got it back. She has many dual standards. She thinks herself to be middle class, although she is only working class. Over the years she has dictated so many things on me, but I have never done what she wanted. She even told me a few years ago that if she could have her life over again she wouldn't have had me so early. Yep, I was a mistake! She forced religion down my neck until I was about 14, even though she was told officially that I was not interested in religion.
She stands up for the wrong people. There are people out there who don't like her but she will defend them to the end of the earth as she thinks everyone likes her. About 20 years ago, her friends daughter and her 2 friends were in the UK on holiday, so they stayed with me. These 3 people totally took advantage of my hospitality. the broke my belongings, smoked in my house, when I went out they were making international calls etc etc etc. Even pulling an insurance scam after their car was broken into. I didn't get anything from them. Not even a thank you. My mother did nothing about it. Then they came back over about 5 years later. I refused to let them stay so my mother let them stay with her. She then demanded that I come over to her house to see them. I point blank refused. So she said she would say I was to busy with the children. This is all because she didn't want to loose her friend (the girls mother). If she had told them about what happened to me it may have caused trouble, and she would not risk it, so she allowed me, her daughter, to be walked all over. I mentioned it a couple of years ago, I was basically shot down and call immature.
This is basically her. She will put anyone and everyone in front of me. She will defend anyone even though there are people out there who don't like her. If they speak to her then she thinks they are great. She has no idea what goes on behind her back! I also think she is like that with my father. But my sibling can't do any wrong. But that is because the majority of the time he constantly pleases her. Doing what she wants and saying the right things.
I cut all ties 2 years ago with them. I found out she had been shouting at my children when she was drunk if they were staying over, she had been giving alcohol to them, even though they were only about 13 and 14. We moved, but she has tracked us down and has started sending letters. I feel as though the bulling has started all over again. I haven't read anything she has sent, they go straight in the bin! She is letting me know that she knows where we are. My father can also be a bully. he hates anyone not having the same ideas as his. Neither of them agree with anything we do. I even got wrong for getting a dog at the age of 43!
I don't get her at all. I have no intention of going back into this situation again. Over the last 2 years as a family, and as individuals, we have been relaxed, not explaining ourselves constantly, and even getting tattoo's!
her main problems are alcohol, her obsession with friends and being a socialite, taking as many holidays as possible, and not seeing people for who they really are, and as far as I am concerned, not putting her family first or defending them.

Has anyone seen anything like this before please. I know she will have manipulated everyone she knows into thinking I am the bad one. But hey ho!

Thanks

Behaviour Mothers Confused

Faskog, I'm sorry to hear about such a dramatic story with your mother. It seems to me that her alcohol problems are just the tip of the iceberg. And yes, I know a couple of people similar to her. Did she ever go to a psychologist and has been diagnosed with any disorder? When I read your post I thought at least about three conditions: Narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and psychopathy. Mind you, I am NOT a psychologist but it seems to me that she has many more issues than just alcohol.

However, this is the part that concerns me the most about your post:

This is very concerning and I absolutely agree and understand why you cut off all ties with her however, at this point and seeing that she is sending you letters again, if I was you I would protect myself and my kids and I would seek legal advise as to how to go about getting a restraining order against her since her behavior could be consider harassment. A lawyer can explain better your rights, etc so are well prepared.