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Ignoring Disagreements

I know these two ladies who had several disagreements in the past but not very long ago, one of them got so angry with the other lady that she said something she should have not said. The interesting thing is that they see each other probably once a week and they talk pretty much like normal after that strong incident ignoring or pretending to ignore that they had any disagreements and that one of them was insulted.

I am puzzled, why does some people behave this way? I mean, how can you insult someone or say something that it's not nice and then come and pretend to talk with the person like everything is fine?

I believe if you have a disagreement with someone or you said something that was wrong or out of place, you should talk about it with the person in question no just pretend that everything will be fine and forgotten with time!

Is this a psychological issue? Does the person/persons really believe that everything will be forgotten? What do they really expect?

Edited: LDS_forever on 20th Nov, 2006 - 1:17am

Disagreements Ignoring

I think that if two people are friends, than they can ignore what offends them when someone else says it. Its either to ignore than to address the uncomfortable situation. Also, many people simply accept that things like that happen, but there is nothing to be gained by dwelling on it, so they move on. If both people agree to forget, then there is nothing wrong. There is not really a problem until one of them brings it up again later on.

Ignoring Disagreements Health & Special Psychology

In order to agree to forget, you have to actually talk about it. My family has always been great about completely ignoring past arguments and behaving as if nothing ever happened. Personally, I think it's ridiculous! Can we please discuss what went wrong, and resolve it? I'd prefer to say I'm sorry rather than just pretend something never happened.

Disagreements Ignoring

I am traveling into dangerous territory here, but I usually see this behavior with men more than women, so it surprises me that this story is about 2 women. Men are able to compartmentalize their relationships much easier then women. For instance, I have only a couple of really good friends. These are people that I can share personal things with and know I will have a judgemental ear with my best interest at heart. I could ask these people for help and they could ask me and there would be no hesitation if it were possible. These people are rare. I have many friends that I may go out with, but there are no strings attached. They don't expect much from me and I don't expect much from them. We get together on occassions, there can even be routine gatherings, but these are people I do not trust well enough to share really personal issues with. Then there are a lot of acquaintances. These people are ones that I may see socially, but it is definitely not routine. Conversations with them are usually pretty empty, but courteous. This doesn't mean that we cannot have a good time together, but there is very little personal information shared.

I really never knew I did this until I got married. My wife became irrate with a friend of ours. This was a friend that we made while in Japan. She was a really fun person to be out with socially, but absolutely could not keep a secret. This was well know throughout our plant. This person loved the spotlight when out in public and wouldn't hesitate on making you look foolish if she could get and keep the attention of the group. I don't even think she really knew she was doing this... Well, she said something about me, while we were out at a group dinner, that I had told her and people got a good laugh out of it at my expense. It was pretty embarassing and I made a mental note of it. My wife was furious! She wanted to know why she said what she said and what gave her the right... I told her that that is just "xxxxx". I learned my lesson. I won't share that type of information with her again (basically, she had become a friend/acquaintance). The next day, we were having lunch at work and my wife asked how I could talk to her. Of course, we never did talk about the insult from the weekend. I just realized that this was "xxxx's" personal make-up and realized she could never be a close friend, as she would always dissappoint me. However, she did serve well as a acquaintance or casual friend because she was fun to be around.

I do not believe that any insult is truly forgotten. I may or may not remember all the insults hurled my way, however, they almost immediately determine what friends group you will end up in. For each group, I have expectations. I expect a lot of loyalty and respect from my close personal friends. However, I expect far less from friends and basically nothing from acquaintances. Now I think this is more of a male trait, because I can't count how many times I have heard; "oh that is just X. They can be jerk sometimes, but they are pretty fun to be around most of the time".

To be honest, I have had people try to explain to me why they were jerks or insulting and it usally ends up aggrivating me even more than if they just didn't say a word. It usually ends up to be something like; "I was having a bad day", "my personal life is not going well", "I am having problems at work", etc... All these excuses are going to sound selfish to me, as the general gist of the discussion will be; I was having a problem, so I took it out on you and you should be ok with it. They are going to have to be pretty charming to explain why it was ok to insult me or betray a friendship and have me walk away truly understanding or with a smile. Only my wife and immediate family can usually get way with that! A quick meaningless discussion showing that there is no lingering issue or testing the waters to see if I have any lingering issues, is my preference. If they were the offending party, it says...I screwed up. Sorry, no excuses.

However, my wife is very different from me in handling situations like this. So is my mother and my sisters in this regard. All of them love to talk about problems with other people. Why did you/they get angry when I said or did this? What were you/they thinking when this was said...what did it mean (hidden meanings galore)? They also have this incredible ability to remember ALL the conversation word for word and for years after the argument. My wife remembers word for word a arguement she got into with another engineer 4 years ago (I hear about this story probably 4 times a year now). The thing that has always gotten me is that after they "talk" about things, they are still upset at being insulted but now may have empathy for the other person, but they NEVER forget!

Disagreements Ignoring

Kon said:

Then they are not *real* friends if they cannot share what bothers them. *shrugs*

Do they? Or do they keep it in the back of their minds?

Farseer said:

Exactly, plus who do you think you are fooling? I believe when disagreements are not solved it leaves a bitter taste in you mouth. I believe in the power of communication to resolve any type of differences.

Exactly, how can you insult someone and the next day or after a while pretend like nothing happened? It does not happen with family or friends only but also with complete strangers. We have several examples of that within this Community. The senior members I am sure they remember all the drama.

Vincenzo, thank you for sharing your experience. Women in general have a funny way to deal with issues sometimes. Nevertheless, we always like to discuss them. Personally I cannot stand issues unresolved.

Ignoring Disagreements

I guess where I am getting hung up in this example is that it ended up being a insult to one person. They apparently were having a discussion, so that didn't work and it lead to a insult. In my mind, if I am the one that received the insult, there will be no accpetable reason for them to insult me. None (unless I made a big mistake). It might make them feel better to confess why they did it...great and good for them, I hope they feel better. As I said, it will probably anger me more, as it will not be justified in my mind and I will probably remember it even more (unless I really messed something up...and even then there are ways to deal with that without insults). So for me, a disagreement and a argument that lead to a insult are quite different.

Much like in this community, there are questions that will never be resolved: global warming, war, abortion, etc... There can be disagreement with no conclusion and just a sharing of thoughts. They can be heated/passionate expressed as well. In general, there is no offense taken. However, once a personal slight or insult is thrown in, it is a totally different situation. Basically, IMO, once I have been insulted in a situation like the one that has been described, there really has been resolution. They are a jerk and I will figure out how I would like to deal with them socially in the future.

So LDS, in my mind you hit it right with your last post. They aren't "real" friends. A real friend wouldn't insult another to the point it hurts them. The 2 in your description are mearly casual friends or maybe even less. There is not a lot of expectation in that case.

Ignoring Disagreements

Vincenzo said:

Correct, yet both of them do not really *like* each other but for some reason, some women need to smile and pretend like everything is fine even though it isn't!

The woman who end up saying the wrong thing was just fed up of all the non-sense of the other but the difference is that she accumulated anger that led to the insult. For me, that can be resolved quite easily. If the person is getting on my nerves, I am blunt as you can imagine, I would tell them exactly that. "You are getting on my nerves for this or that..." I am not the type of accumulate any kind of feeling.

Once I clearly state that, I also state boundaries not through words but through actions. I would greet the person, talk to them, etc but they would not get the same kind of treatment as before. It is not because I did not forgive them but because once certain things happen, certain things get lost on the way too and one thing for sure I am not, a hypocrite.

Ignoring Disagreements Psychology Special & Health

I agree that in general women like to talk things out more than men. I am an exception to that rule however, and I can understand how these two women would react the way they did. Had I been the one insulted, I very well may have acted like nothing was wrong and continue to be civil or even friendly to the person who insulted me. It's different with family or close friends, but with casual friends, what good does fighting about it do? By confronting someone who insults me I will either get a begrudging apology or a backlash of anger, and if I'm going to get an apology I want it to be their idea, not mine. If I pretend it doesn't bother me, even if it does a little, then it will be less of an issue for me, thus less stressful for me. LDS

This sounds like these women are around each other a lot. It is a little hypocritical if they act like they are close friends but really dislike each other. It sounds like a weird relationship.
Vincenzo

I guess I can understand why making up excuses would anger you, but what if someone offered a sincere apology for making a mistake? Sometimes even the best of us might say something we later regret.