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Close Topic OptionsAutistic Teens: Dating And Sex
Autistic Teens Dating Sex - Psychology, Special Needs, Health - Posted: 11th May, 2008 - 7:48pm
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Autistic Teens: Dating And Sex
I found this great article written by a mom whose teen son has Autism. I highlighted some parts.
QUOTE AT least he's good-looking," I say to my husband whenever the subject of our oldest son's dating future comes up. And he is good-looking, our son, with his blue eyes, wavy hair, broad shoulders and warm smile. He's also got a deep voice (He works at it) and a gentle manner. It's hard to believe girls won't fall in love with him. And maybe they will.
But he also has autism. When he's tired or sick, he forgets words or uses them incorrectly; often it requires enormous effort just for him to maintain a conversation. It's as if he has no native tongue and essentially has had to memorize our language word by word.
Now he's working on our customs. You see him eagerly watching other kids, looking for clues and lessons, signs he can follow into the world of the average teenager. It's a world he's desperate to be part of. He dresses like them, adopts their gestures, mimics their rudeness and even douses himself, as they do, with Axe deodorant body spray. ("Look at the other kids," we're always telling him. "Watch them, play like them.")
He'll be in the middle of a group of kids and they'll laugh. Then he'll laugh, a second too late and too loud. He knows he needs to laugh to fit in; that much he's learned from observation. What he can't seem to learn is what made the joke funny and why everyone gets it but he.
"Hey, Mom?" he says as we're walking out of a store. "That girl was hot." He thinks he's talking in a whisper but he isn't, really, because he has voice modulation problems and has trouble hearing what his own voice sounds like.
I know he wants to find a girl and fall in love. Sometimes people say that kids with autism aren't capable of love. That's ridiculous. My son loves deeply. He just doesn't communicate well. The instincts we rely on when we're first falling in love (Being able to sense what someone else is thinking, becoming aware of a sudden connection, anticipating another person's desire) don't come naturally to him.
I want the girls he meets to know that just because he speaks a little oddly and sometimes struggles to understand what they're saying doesn't mean he wouldn't make a great boyfriend. I want them to see what a good heart he has, how he would never manipulate or hurt them, how he would be grateful, obliging and loyal. But how many girls will be able to get past the frustrations of his disabilities to appreciate that part of him?
Would I have been able to?
And these things can't be forced anyway, no matter how good-hearted someone may be.
Last year he got friendly with a girl he met in a social skills class. She was what those of us in the world of special needs describe as "Lower-functioning." She attended a special needs school, but even there she felt she was the object of ridicule and abuse. I never knew if her account of insults and cruelties was accurate, but I'd hear my son talking to her on the phone, offering his unwavering support. "That's terrible!" he'd cry out after listening for a while. "They shouldn't do that."
I'd listen to him and think, "What woman wouldn't want a man who comforted her like that, who was willing to listen and believe and always be on her side?" It gave me hope.
Since then, the only girls he's asked out have been at the other end of the spectrum, and they've all rejected him - for the most part (And as far as I know) - quite kindly.
Still, he aims high. Recently he asked out a girl who was already dating the star athlete of the entire middle school, an eighth grader who was captain of the baseball and basketball teams. When I suggested that maybe a girl like her was out of his reach, my son just looked confused. The social intricacies of popularity that separate students into cliques and loners mean nothing to him because they're unstated, unquantified. Most of us just sense them instinctively. He can't.
Still, I worry about whether girls will keep rejecting him throughout high school and into college, while the other kids start successfully pairing off. What if he starts to wonder if anyone will ever love him?
You can, I've discovered, teach your child to make polite conversation (Ask questions, listen attentively, then ask more questions), to be a good host (Offer refreshments, suggest activities and choose the one your guest says he'll enjoy), to please his teachers (Show up on time, behave well in class). But how do you teach him to fall in love with someone who will love him back? What rules can you lay down for making someone's heart leap when she sees you?
But he also has autism. When he's tired or sick, he forgets words or uses them incorrectly; often it requires enormous effort just for him to maintain a conversation. It's as if he has no native tongue and essentially has had to memorize our language word by word.
Now he's working on our customs. You see him eagerly watching other kids, looking for clues and lessons, signs he can follow into the world of the average teenager. It's a world he's desperate to be part of. He dresses like them, adopts their gestures, mimics their rudeness and even douses himself, as they do, with Axe deodorant body spray. ("Look at the other kids," we're always telling him. "Watch them, play like them.")
He'll be in the middle of a group of kids and they'll laugh. Then he'll laugh, a second too late and too loud. He knows he needs to laugh to fit in; that much he's learned from observation. What he can't seem to learn is what made the joke funny and why everyone gets it but he.
"Hey, Mom?" he says as we're walking out of a store. "That girl was hot." He thinks he's talking in a whisper but he isn't, really, because he has voice modulation problems and has trouble hearing what his own voice sounds like.
I know he wants to find a girl and fall in love. Sometimes people say that kids with autism aren't capable of love. That's ridiculous. My son loves deeply. He just doesn't communicate well. The instincts we rely on when we're first falling in love (Being able to sense what someone else is thinking, becoming aware of a sudden connection, anticipating another person's desire) don't come naturally to him.
I want the girls he meets to know that just because he speaks a little oddly and sometimes struggles to understand what they're saying doesn't mean he wouldn't make a great boyfriend. I want them to see what a good heart he has, how he would never manipulate or hurt them, how he would be grateful, obliging and loyal. But how many girls will be able to get past the frustrations of his disabilities to appreciate that part of him?
Would I have been able to?
And these things can't be forced anyway, no matter how good-hearted someone may be.
Last year he got friendly with a girl he met in a social skills class. She was what those of us in the world of special needs describe as "Lower-functioning." She attended a special needs school, but even there she felt she was the object of ridicule and abuse. I never knew if her account of insults and cruelties was accurate, but I'd hear my son talking to her on the phone, offering his unwavering support. "That's terrible!" he'd cry out after listening for a while. "They shouldn't do that."
I'd listen to him and think, "What woman wouldn't want a man who comforted her like that, who was willing to listen and believe and always be on her side?" It gave me hope.
Since then, the only girls he's asked out have been at the other end of the spectrum, and they've all rejected him - for the most part (And as far as I know) - quite kindly.
Still, he aims high. Recently he asked out a girl who was already dating the star athlete of the entire middle school, an eighth grader who was captain of the baseball and basketball teams. When I suggested that maybe a girl like her was out of his reach, my son just looked confused. The social intricacies of popularity that separate students into cliques and loners mean nothing to him because they're unstated, unquantified. Most of us just sense them instinctively. He can't.
Still, I worry about whether girls will keep rejecting him throughout high school and into college, while the other kids start successfully pairing off. What if he starts to wonder if anyone will ever love him?
You can, I've discovered, teach your child to make polite conversation (Ask questions, listen attentively, then ask more questions), to be a good host (Offer refreshments, suggest activities and choose the one your guest says he'll enjoy), to please his teachers (Show up on time, behave well in class). But how do you teach him to fall in love with someone who will love him back? What rules can you lay down for making someone's heart leap when she sees you?
TOPIC: Autistic Teens: Dating And Sex