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Adopted

Imagine that one day, on your 18th birthday, your mother pulls you aside and tells you that you are really adopted - how would you feel? Would you have preferred that she told you from the beginning or was it wise to wait til you became an adult? How would you handle something like this with your own kids if you adopted a baby?

Adopted

I think it is best that they know from the very beginning. If you tell them that they were adopted right from the start, when they ask you where they came from, like all kids do, then they don't face questioning who they are really as a person when they find out as adults that they don't have the genetic makeup they thought they did all along. I think it must be very painful and difficult to find out as an adult that you are not really who you think you are. What I mean by that is, I do a lot of geneology. IN addition, I was raised to believe that I am of Irish descebt and it was presented as something to be proud of. Then if I found I was adopted, this would mean I might not be of Irish descent. This was a part of my being, it defined to some extent who I am. Now, all that I thought isn't really true. That would be quite an adjustment.

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I adopted my 9-year old daughter; she was from my wife's previous relationship. We explained to her why it was being done, what it would mean, etc, and opened up the discussion for questions that she may have had. Yes, she was older at the time, etc, but it never dawned on us to keep it a secret from her.
On the flip side, I have a cousin back in Trinidad who was adopted at birth, and to this day, she does not know, and her mom will refuse to tell her. My uncle passed away a few years ago, and my aunt is not in the best of health, so it is plausible that both my cousin's parents will be gone and she will still not know that she was adopted. Dont worry, she is over 40 right now, but what should us, as the rest of her family do when her mom passes away? Should we tell her? Should we respect their wishes and let her live the rest of her life without knowing? Who knows what kind of impact it would have on her if she just found out. A very touchy subject indeed!

Adopted

I cannot remember what actor has like 10 children, one of them being adopted, they all know that...the thing is that they don't know which one is the adopted one!
If I ever adopted a child, I would definetly tell them when is time for them to understand what adoption means.

Adopted

It is a child's right to know that they have been adopted, regardless of how hard or painful it might be for the adopters.

You are storing up problems if you haven't approached the subject with a child, and they get older and still don't know.
The consequences of realizing that they have been lied to all their life, can have a devastating effect on the relationship that the child has had with the adoptive parents.

I don't think that the subject has to be brought up continuously, but if it is mentioned, then it does need to be handled with great sensitivity, to save any future pain or heartache.

Adopted

I completely agree that it is better to be honest with a child about their adoption. I would seem like a betrayal to find out as an adult.

This is tough. My instincts say not to tell her at this point. However, if she were to find out, she might be angry not only with her parents but her whole family. Don't most adopted people find out eventually, anyway? I don't think this is off topic, but it's sort of an antidote for this thread. When my nephew was newly adopted, a close friend came by my sisters house to visit the new baby. She asked my sister, "Are you going to tell him he is adopted?" The funny part is this-the baby was African American! (We are not.) Even funnier is that she was serious. We all stared at her like she was crazy. Finally, she realized what she had said. She laughed at herself and said, "Well I guess that will become pretty obvious to him!"

Adopted

I have an aunt and uncle who have two girls that are both adopted. I am not positive, but I get the impression that the girls have always known this. Right now they are 11 and 14 (I think), and I have seen their baby books which have pictures of their parents traveling to and from the location where they picked each of them up as babies. They also have a beautiful framed poem on the wall called "adopted." If I am remembering correctly, it talks about how even though children who are adopted are not their parents biological children, they are still their children in ways that are more important, and they were still sent to them from God. I cannot express it in the same way, but it is perfect. And from what I can tell, I think my aunt and uncle handled the situation of adoption exactly how I would choose to do it.

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I have seen this poem too, I can't remember the exact words, but if I remember correctly the poem talks about how the love for the children was 'born in the hearts' of the adoptive parents.The words are really beautiful to the poem, and I would imagine that it helps the adoptive children fit better into their adoptive family.

The difference between handling the situation correctly, and handling the situation badly, is what the children will carry forth with them throughout their life.
This is why it has to be handled so sensitively.

Dimavo, it's great to hear how well your family has handled the situation, helping their children to become well balanced and well adjusted children.

I hope my children can become this well adjusted, as I adopted my 2 youngest children very recently!