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Mourning Your Autistic Child

All parents of special needs children must mourn the loss of the child they thought they were going to get in order to appreciate the child they did get. For some, the mourning period is short but for others is a process.

Jim Siclair, an autistic man said the following:

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Child Autistic Mourning

There are many sad, depressing and even angry moments that you go through as a parent in day to day life while dealing with your child who has autism. In my case as the parent of a child with Autism its trying to get through the constant talking, involuntary body movements, the lack of interest in what you are saying, the emotional roller coaster, the inability to live 'normally' because your time is heavily constricted and so forth. The sadder part is all those around you who think they understand and have it figured out what you 'should' and 'shouldn't' do to make it all better. Autism is life long and that is the frightening part - what will happen when you're not there to buffer the effects of real life for them as people will not understand their awkwardness.

Mourning Your Autistic Child Health & Special Psychology

The thing is as Jim wrote, the autistic child cannot be separated from the autism so if parents show constant anger towards the behavior of the child, frustration, etc all they are doing is rejecting their child and letting them know they are not wanted, loved, and most of all that it's their fault, etc. It is heartbreaking for an autistic child to feel this way specially because they want to be loved and accepted.

Their behavior, traits, etc is none of their fault and it is actually up to the parents, NOT the child to change the way they see their autistic children. There is not a magic normal kid behind the autistic one, the normal child was never born and parents must accept the dreams they had of life with their children in the normal sense is not going to happen.

Parents need to mourn and move on and stop thinking their kids can change it or they are making it up, etc. It hurts both the parents and the children, no kid should feel they are a burden.

Build relationships by focusing on the things the child CAN do. And most of all, express love to the child so he/she can feel that autism is not the end of the world neither their perception that their parents don't love them.

Next time any of you see an autistic child, think that everything he/she says, acts or moves is the autism speaking hence it's called a pervasive development disorder because it affects EVERY SINGLE area in their lives. Please, stop blaming your autistic child, stop throwing your anger and frustration towards him/her. Stop projecting your disappointment and fears to him/her. They need YOU, a parent willing to love and care for who can understand that what they do is not on purpose.

Do not get angry anymore , reject or withhold love. They need you. Come to accept your child's limitations, come to accept him/her for who they are. Do not let them feel guilty or wish they were never born. No child should feel this way, specially one who did not bring autism upon themselves.

Child Autistic Mourning

The fact that Jim brought this up shows it is a common issue. It may not be anger towards the child exactly but anger about the circumstances the parent is in that does not change. Keep in mind that anger, sadness and depression go hand in hand and it is very easy to fall into daily doses of that when you see no progress and you wonder "why" or "why me".

The main problem with Autism though is somethings do not change, BUT because of that they must not necessarily be accepted just because we have a knowledge that they do not change - for me why certain things are done the way they are done by one with Autism must be understood by you as the parent but we should not feel that hope of a change or progress being made even if so minuscule cannot be made. However we must keep in mind for the sake of the Autistic child they MUST be made to understand if at all possible through constant repetition / signs, and so forth that whatever action they are carrying out that can affect others will not be tolerated by someone outside of their protected circle. I think it is in this moment that parenting is most difficult. It is not the concern for the child now, but the child who has now turned into an adult and will be responsible in some part of his actions. It is the child who must fend for his part when you are dead and long gone. In society the action of someone if bad enough will warrant you being 'put away' regardless to your mental competency / challenges. This is what is usually thought to us as children - how to be good citizens - just because someone is Autistic does not mean they are excluded from what society expects of them - be law abiding and so forth. Hence we must ensure every possible way that the Child with Autism recognizes that certain actions have consequences - for their sake.

For instance there is a person I know with Autism who has a fetish if you will and will attempt to hold or be around women inappropriately. I will not go into detail about that, I do not think it is necessary for the illustration I am giving. He has been told many times how wrong this approach to women is but it as though you never told him. The only thing that may bar him is if you show anger about what he is attempting to do and even then he may be puzzled about why you are angry. Now, my point here is not that showing anger changes anything for the person with Autism, but it does temporarily put a stop to something, usually an undesired action that if left unchecked or handled in a 'normal' way will have worst consequences for those around the Autistic person. You do not want to be angry or sad or whatever but such is brought out of you when you have reached a point that the actions are bordering on danger. Now let picture this same situation where a man enters a room with his wife and the Autistic person approaches and carries out his inappropriate action - the consequence might be a bad beating, serious injury, hospital, arrest and so forth. You do not want to see this happen to your own child hence you try every day to warn them with every ounce of vigor you have for their sake.

Child Autistic Mourning

Again, the anger, the "why me" are all symptoms of parents who are NOT accepting the child's condition and are in constant mourning mood. Parents MUST mourn in order to move on and ACCEPT their autistic child but they need to understand that projecting their anger and frustration towards the child does NOT help their children, it makes them feel terrible, unwanted, unloved and so forth.

You're just seeing one side of the coin. The spectrum is huge, how can you tell which child fully understand what is being taught, assimilated it and put it into practices? Just because he/she is high functioning? What about those who are low functioning? Again, you are saying that no matter what, changes can be made and even though that's an optimistic approach can also be one of denial and high expectations that your child may never fulfill and may cause great disappointment and anger towards your child because that change is not visible or the child is "not learning, no matter how many times he/she is taught". A sword of two edges.

Anger does not stop undesirable behavior. For me, this is simple. No child wants to be constantly scolded about what they do constantly wrong, heck I don't think any "normal" adult wants that either. So if after teaching your child something constantly, repeatedly, day after day and the child still not doing it or forgetting about it, it is obvious that their brains are wired in a certain way that you or I cannot fully understand. Not even doctors can. Hence, the anger approach destroys, doesn't build specially with autistic children who take everything you say literally and who are known to be very sensitive.

A child with special needs already have low self esteem and if they see that daily they get into trouble, their parents are unhappy with their behavior 99.9% of the time, how do you think they feel about themselves? How is that going to help them in the future as adults?

What about if the parents instead CHOOSE to focus on the positives, encouraging, expressing love and appreciation then the child will believe in himself/herself and I will try every possibly thing to make their parents happy. Anger, shouting, name calling, withholding love cannot possibly give positive fruits but love, encouraging words, patience AND acceptance WILL.