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I Can't Stop Using Men...

I've only just realized that I have a quite unhealthy relationship to men - because I only have any to them to use them. I don't at all use men for sex or materialistic purposes, I just use them to satisfy my need of attention, my need to be desired and my need of being able to get men to do whatever I want them to do for me (but never actually allow them to do things for me when they do get to the point where they insist to do them). I don't mean to play with anbody's emotions but it has happened too often now that I have hurt men badly. That's one of the problems: I only deal with these men to get their attention so when emotions get stuck in the middle I get to feel extremey bad about what I'm doing; that I can't give a man what he wants from me. That's the other problem: I can't commit to anybody. I'm 23, I have never been in a relationship before, never kissed a guy, never had sex or anything else that has to do with relationships and intimacy. I'm extremely picky and demanding. I'm fully aware of it but I can't help but being demanding. I don't expect a guy to be perfect but I've seen so many people in bad relationships with bad partners - including my parents - that I'm afraid of choosing a bad guy for myself and join the group of miserable people in bad relationships. So I set a high standard to avoid bad guys as much as possible. But honestly, I also have these high expectations because I feel like I can offer, to a man, whatever I demand from him. Isn't that fair enough?

Is what I'm doing something I can change in some way? Can anybody relate to any of this?

Men Stop Cant I

Well, you use words like "demand" and I think that in relationships it doesn't seem to be fair or healthy to make "demands".

I don't see absolutely anything wrong with waiting for the right guy, however it seems to me that there are some underlined issues that have been bothering you for a very long time (probably since childhood). I perceive there is a possibility that you have been abused in some form at some point of time? (just my personal perception, I may be very wrong).

Based on what you wrote, it seems to me that you need to find out the source of your fears, insecurity and need of constant attention and validation. Nobody likes to be in a relationship with someone that seeks attention constantly. It is draining. Did you ever try to do therapy? It can help you greatly to see what may be causing you to act the way you do.

I Can't Stop Using Men... Health & Special Psychology

Hi. I didn't understand your post at first because you said you can't stop using men. How exactly are you doing that? Since you're not asking them money or being intimate with them?

Men Stop Cant I

Hey LSD.

Yes, I was abused throughout my childhood but no I haven't seen a therapist. I mean, I went to my doctor a couple of years back and talked to him (because he wouldn't "pass me on" to a therapist without knowing what was "wrong" with me) which was a disastrous experience. He didn't listen to me at all and he assumed wrong things. I must admit that I have a "thing" against therapists - I'm convinced they wouldn't understand me one bit. I'm not sure what one can actually do to help me.


Ebbs,
I meant using them emotionally. I know that I want nothing to do with them on an intimate level yet I still let them shower me with attention and let them think there could be something between us eventually. I don't tell them straight out that I'm done with them once I've gotten the attention that I want - when they start to annoy me. When I do tell them in the end they get extremely angry with me. The last man just refused to accept what I was doing, he wanted a relationship so he started stalking me and telling me he'd never let me go. He's still saying that, actually...I guess it's because of him that I started to reflect on what I was doing and realized that I'm sort of asking for these things myself.

Men Stop Cant I

Moonlight I feel sorry for you because with those kinds of attitudes you have you're going to find it hard to compromise in any relationship.

I Can't Stop Using Men...

I wonder if you do this not only in relationships but in everyday situations. It sounds like you are trying to find something that will give you validity, but because you can't find that you lash out in this way. I would quess you already know what you need to do, doing it is quite a different thing. It can be really tough to break yourself from something like this. I would say when you are feeling this way or noticing you are. Just realize that you are doing it, that should help you figure out what you want to do, or should be doing.

Being that you are 23 I think you have plenty of time to get it right. Don't force yourself into a "serious" relationship if you're not ready. Just try and give us guys a break, we aren't very smart in this area.

I realize some of what I said may be a stretch and could seem harsh. If I was on though, give yourself more credit for who you are and what your about. Even the smallest things are important.

Edited: Oliron on 10th May, 2010 - 4:22am

I Can't Stop Men...

There is nothing wrong with waiting for the "right" guy. However, I would suggest that your "fun" might not get you Mr Right. The hurdles you are making guys jump to catch your attention only to drop them the minute they seem interested probably isn't going to wind up getting you the gem of a guy that you seem to seek or think you deserve. Anyone that puts up with that much trouble at the start is quite likely to have some potentially serious issues of their own...as you might be currently finding out. Actually, if you keep this up, I would almost guarantee that you end up with a "bad relationship".

Honestly, I would say that the first thing that you need to do is sit down and write on paper what it is you are looking for in a mate. From your description, all I can see is that you enjoy adoration and fear ANY intimacy. Once you got that description down, then write down what you plan to do to meet such a guy (where would he likely be...what would he do for a living...what would be his hobbies...etc). Again, you seem to be wading in adoration saying that you enjoy it but don't care for any of the guys...well...where is it or how is it you plan of finding Mr Right? Your current strategy or lack there of isn't going to bring him any closer to you. If you focus on this, you wont be so entangled with seeding the erroneous desires of the apparently many Mr Wrongs.

I know...I didn't read your first entry correct: You cant commit to anyone.

However, I have also read apparently that you have never tried to commit to anyone (never been in a relationship, kissed or had sex), so I am actually thinking that the 'cant' is more like a wont - subtle but significant difference. You do leave the door open to it and in that regard I would say that you need to think about what you are actually (eventually) looking for in a mate, because you are almost certain to miss him or bely your choosiness if you don't really give it some thought. Don't jump into a serious relationship, but do actually get into the game. A date isn't saying "I DO" and by getting into more relationships and interacting with the opposite sex, you will find out better what you want and can redefine your wish list of husband material.

I cannot relate to you actually because I too easily put myself in the position of the person on the other side and try to look at the situation through their eyes. However, I have met a few women that have similar habits as you describe and would give you one additional suggestion. You are 23 now, but time is going to take that away as well as your 23 yr old looks and when that happens the adoration will be far less and you will find a lonely place. In that place, many mistakes are made in hastily choosing a partner in life.

I Can't Stop Men... Psychology Special & Health

Name: No

Comments: To the person that says they can't stop using men. It sounds like a lame pitch to do just what you want to do. If you know you are using men then you're doing it consciously for some selfish reason. You might be able to use whatever you have now for your gain but sooner or later you're going to run out of steam and this little game you play will backfire on you.