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How Long Should I Wait?

In olden times there were set periods to mourn and to 'recover' oneself from loss. There are no such guidelines now, but it seems as though there are some imaginary ones? For instance, if you were recently divorced or widowed and started dating a week after some might 'suspect' something. However, this may all be an illusion in the minds of people looking for gossip. It might just be the divorced or widowed person's way of looking for comfort or to forget. What do you think? Should there be a time to wait?

Wait Should Long How

I think there should be a certain amount of time before a person starts to date. Not so much to stop people from being suspicious or from gossiping but more for the sake of making sure it's what you really want to do. Most people, whether divorced or widowed go through some kind of grieving process.
It's not unusual to find someone jumping straight into another relationship, especially after divorce, thinking that they are ready. Only to find they were doing it for the wrong reasons. A lot of people find they were trying to prove to their ex-partners or to themselves that they were still attractive to the opposite sex. This isn't a good time or reason to start dating.
Before anyone embarks on another relationship they would be better waiting until they were sure they could manage on their own first. Once you are happy with yourself you are more likely to be happy with someone else.
There's no right or wrong length of time to wait. Only YOU know when you're ready.

How Long Should I Wait? Studies Doctrine Mormon

I really think the old style of mourning is the way to go -- one full year -- whether it's death or divorce. At the minimum, 6 months. Most divorces in California take at least 6 months, anyway, and if custody and support issues get sticky, it can take a year or more.

I have really benefitted from being on my own for a longer time this time. My previous relationships were "jumped" into very quickly after divorce, and ended badly. I'm actually enjoying being alone for a time.

But as UKenigma says, each person has their own way of dealing with things.

Roz

Wait Should Long How

After seperating from a companion the emotions may be overwhelming and some may seek solice in someone immediately to calm the injured feelings. Rational level headed decisions may be not very easy to make during the initial period directly following a seperation. The emotional feelings at the time may cloud ones vision as to what is the correct thing to do in the situation, especially if the one seperated from was someone who you really loved. It would therefore be wise to allow a 'waiting period' or a time to recover before one becomes emotionally involved with another. A broken heart takes time to mend, and to allow someone into your heart, it can't be broken.

Wait Should Long How

So, do you count this waiting period where you are not really divorced as part of the 6 months to a year one waits before dating or does the "cooling off" period begin once the divorce is final?

I agree there should be a period of time when a person either newly divorced or widowed waits to begin dating again. I don't think a set period is necessary, but I would like to see people wait until they are really healed before attempting to move on.

I think it is a bigger risk for a divorced person to move on too soon than it is for a widowed person. I think a widowed person naturally knows to wait until they have healed because they recognize a need for healing and so does everyone else around them. Family and friends tell the widow to give it time; that they need to take time to heal. Sometimes when a person is divorced they don't realize a need for healing. They are just relieved to be out of the relationship and eager to get on with their lives. I think this is the case often for the party who chooses the divorce more so than with the party who doesn't want the divorce but has no choice.

Also, I think that the friends and relatives of widowed people recognize that this person is mourning and needs to heal. Not so, often with friends and family of divorced people. I know that seems to be how it is for me. I am divorced and I didn't want my marriage to end. I am mourning the end of that relationship much like I would if my ex-husband had died. Yet, my family and some of my friends are anxious for me to move on and start dating again. I am not even close to being ready for that yet. We separated about 7 months ago. I have not fully healed, and so I know I am not ready to move on. Any relationship begun now would not really have an honest chance to develop in a healthy manner so I think it wouldn't have a good chance of really lasting either. However, I think my father would feel relieved if I were dating because he would see it as a sign I had healed. So, I understand why he is pressuring me to date - also he thinks it would show my husband something and make him jealous, but that is another issue entirely.

So, I think it is wise to wait a while before dating after the loss of a spouse or long term partner no matter what caused the loss, but I am not sure about a set time period. I agree with FarSAeer that a year is good. In fact, I think this probably is the minimum time necessary, and for some it might take even longer.

Me too! I almost feel guilty about how much I am contented being alone. I can't imagine getting into another relationship and don't see why I would want to at this time, but maybe that will change as I heal. I really like having the bed to myself and not having to deal with a man snoring next to me keeping me awake. I am not sure I want to give that up.

Edited: tenaheff on 1st Dec, 2003 - 5:48pm

How Long Should I Wait?

tena said:

I think after the divorce is final, because "it ain't over till it's over." While you're still in the divorce, there's no relief from that stress -- day after day. Ugh. Once it's over, and the dust has settled, then you can start the healing. In my opinion, of course.

This is so true -- my parents were so pushy about my getting out and dating again. I had to keep telling them "NO!" I don't want to, and based on my past relationship choices, I'm a poor judge of character anyhow. Of course, now that it's been 7 years. ... well... it's hard to tell my dad why I still want to be alone And as you said, it's almost a guilt feeling to be so content!

Roz

How Long Should Wait

After I left my marriage I got some gentlemen asking me out. What a thrill! To think that someone was interested in me! But, not knowing the Church's council at the time, I told them I was "old fashioned" and wouldn't date until I was divorced.

Then one of my non-member girl friends chided me about that. She convinced me that dating wasn't shacking up with them. It's only dinner and/or a movie! So I agreed to go out with one of the gentlemen. When my Home Teachers and the Branch President found out, they very gently told me that I should wait to date until I was legally divorced.

I was still under the influence of my non-member friend and I really railed against this. I am a good person, I am being chaste, etc., etc.

Then after crying myself to sleep a night or three, I came to the realization that Of Course the Brethren are right. Now, 6 months after the divorce is final and 3 years after I left the marriage, I have gone through the Grieving process and the I Hate Men phase, AND the I Am Better Than Men phase.

I am like FarSeer and Tenaheff in that I am content to be alone. Only my dirty socks on the bedroom floor, I can share my bed with the cats and not have an argument over it, I can mix and match the dishes on the table if I want to.

If I were to be asked by a newly divorced person, I would highly recommend NOT dating for at least 6 months after the judge sets you free. Spend that time doing some really deep soul searching. And if you still feel that the opposite sex should be zapped off the face of the earth, then don't start dating until you can be nice to them.

How Long Should Wait Mormon Doctrine Studies

Hear! Hear! Terrific message, AGene. And that's a great quote

Roz --