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Traditional Marriages

In Genesis 24:67 there is a mention of love for a woman (Rebekah) by Isaac, but in most instances it seemed as though the marriages were arranged.

24:67 And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.

The question is... are marriages in olden days or traditionally based on love or arrangement? Is there such a thing as one being specifically sent to you for marriage in this life?

Marriages Traditional

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The question is... are marriages in olden days or traditionally based on love or arrangement?

In the old times were arranged marriages, the jews didn't want to marry someone outside the covenant. What is interesting about this scripture is that Isaac brought FIRST Rebeka to the tent  after he took her,  by marrying her and THEN he loved her. Love is mentioned as the last thing he did. Isn't that interesting?. I'm wonder if the word 'love' in the old Testament is applied in the same way we do it now.

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The question is... are marriages in olden days or traditionally based on love or arrangement? Is there such a thing as one being specifically sent to you for marriage in this life?

No. Several of the Prophets have indicated that there is no "One Right Person" whom God has sent for us to marry, there are no "Soul Mates" but rather any worthy male who holds a temple recommend can have a very successful marriage with any worthy female who holds a recommend.

Basically if we are waiting for the "Right Person" then we better open our eyes and see all the "Right" people we attend church with every week.

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" "Soul mates" are a fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price" ("Marriage and Divorce," p. 146).

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"While I am sure some young couples have some special guidance in getting together, I do not believe in predestined love. If you desire the inspiration of the Lord in this crucial decision, you must live the standards of the Church, and you must pray constantly for the wisdom to recognize those qualities upon which a successful union may be based. You must do the choosing, rather than to seek for some one-and-only so-called soul mate, chosen for you by someone else and waiting for you. You are to do the choosing. You must be wise beyond your years and humbly prayerful unless you choose amiss" (Eternal Love [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1973], p. 11).

I heard it said once that arranged marriages are better, because they have to work, if they do not work then the couple becomes pariah in many cultures... Eventually you can learn to love anyone... as for compatibility, well, it is what you make of it...    8)

Marriages Traditional

I'm definitely not against marriage, however, I am against bad marriages.  I know what works because I've experienced, first-hand, what doesn't work.  I seriously double that in this day and age anyone would accept an arranged marriage as done ages ago.  I also believe that traditional gender "roles" are no longer set in stone where two incomes are often necessary just to make ends meet and still provide decent lives and opportunities for the children, or in single parent families, or for women who have been blessed with special skills and given a special work to do outside the home, or as a result of increased educational and career opportunities for women.  Some men still find this a bit disconcerting because they still place subconscious limitations on women to one degree or another.

A different form of "arranged" marriages does exist today.  The match-making mother/friend/sibling/co-worker/boss who "arranges" a meeting or introduction that actually works out and leads to marriage.  And what about those internet dating services that matches people up according to profiles listed.  Okay, it's a bit of a stretch, but arranged or not, aren't you glad we have the final choice?

Good marriages require mutual effort, time, communication, patience, respect, a sense of humor, relatively thick skin, assertiveness, honor, integrity, healthy self-esteem, mutual esteem, love, romance, healthy chemistry, play time, and an occassional "time-out".  Occassional arguments and fights have been known to occur, as well, without permanent injury to body, mind, heart, spirit, intellect, or relationship.  I've known many couples who have been so blessed.  Sounds complicated when put to paper, but simple when common sense is present.  Under these circumstances, yes, it is possible to learn to love anyone in possession of these qualities.  But there's the other side of the coin to consider.

Sorry, common sense is not so common anymore, and because everyone is not like the above description, it's not true that you can learn to love anyone.  Nor can you "love someone into" becoming a decent person or mate.  Someone who is abusive (physically OR mentally OR emotionally OR any other way -- and there are 14 different kinds of "abusive"), controlling, domineering, jealous, obsessive, possessive, greedy, self-absorbed, or cruel is not someone you can learn to love.  Become dependent on, or victim to, yes.... love.... no.  I've met men (and women) like that inside AND outside the church -- LDS men (and women) are not exempt from these characteristics -- and LDS women (and men) are not exempt from falling victim to such.  True, these negative qualities are not taught by God, nor are LDS women (or anyone) expected to accept or tolerate these characteristics, however, you don't really know a person just by social demeanor, looks, dress, education, talent, skills, church position, or church activity.  There are many who put up a good front until you get behind closed doors -- unless, of course, you know how to spot the red flags and warning signs.  That, unfortunately often comes from personal experience, directly or indirectly.  And worse, even the experienced and healed are sometimes fooled, but usually, not for long.

The problem today is that people don't WANT to WORK at making the marriage of their own choosing or any relationship successful.  Some become complacent and quit making an effort.  Some take their partner for granted.  Some people are selfish and want to mold a person into the image of what they want them to be.  Others are unwilling to make changes necessary within themselves, saying, "That's just the way I am." or "I'm not changing for anybody!" or it's "my way or the highway" or they expect it to be easy and problem-free, or they simply don't believe they have any faults.  Still others have unreasonable expectations of their mate or intended mate.  And some want to control their mates or intended mates rather than delighting in their differences and uniqueness and divine qualities and talents.  Some are abusive in some way and to varying degrees toward their partner.  The lucky escape this situation by choosing not to marry in the first place, or divorce when the pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving.  The unlucky either don't escape and suffer, or die at the hand of their abusive partner.  From personal experience, I sadly find too many older single/divorced LDS males as well as too many older single/divorced men outside the church possessed of one or more of these negative traits.  I dare say that this is true of some women, too.  I've even met single LDS men who were so pre-occupied with the idea of plural marriage in the eternities, yet don't make an effort to be worthy of one good woman here on earth!

Single sisters, especially we older single sisters, those of us who have experienced divorce as a result of emotional or physical abuse or other intolerable situations (infidelity, gambling, substance abuse, financial irresponsibility, criminal behavior, child abuse, etc.), and those who are blessed with an abundance of talent, skills, intelligence, and strength, find it increasingly difficult to find older single/divorced men in the church, or out of the church who are not intimidated by those qualities in a woman.  There are more women than men in the church, so ratio also works against us.

But guess what?  I still believe in marriage, because we were not created to be alone.  If we were, there would be no such thing as loneliness.

Marriages Traditional

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The problem today is that people don't WANT to WORK at making the marriage of their own choosing or any relationship successful.  Some become complacent and quit making an effort.

This is VERY TRUE. I believe that is the beginning and end of the whole situation. People trea marriage as they would going down the road to buy a burger at Mc Donalds - if they do not like the menu they just go across the road to Burger King instead. Marriage is not so simple. I am in agreement with your post.
[offtopic]Also, best wishes in finding a good mate. [/offtopic]

Traditional Marriages

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Single sisters, especially we older single sisters, those of us who have experienced divorce as a result of emotional or physical abuse or other intolerable situations (infidelity, gambling, substance abuse, financial irresponsibility, criminal behavior, child abuse, etc.), and those who are blessed with an abundance of talent, skills, intelligence, and strength, find it increasingly difficult to find older single/divorced men in the church, or out of the church who are not intimidated by those qualities in a woman.  There are more women than men in the church, so ratio also works against us. But guess what?  I still believe in marriage, because we were not created to be alone.  If we were, there would be no such thing as loneliness.

I feel you sister. It seems like you went through a lot huh? . But it's good to know that despite of everything you still believing in marriage and that means you believe a lot in yourself and have a high self esteem Hope you find a great, caring and loving Eternal Companion soon

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I've even met single LDS men who were so pre-occupied with the idea of plural marriage in the eternities, yet don't make an effort to be worthy of one good woman here on earth

LOL those men are sick to me : but they are so fool, they forget to easy that Heavenly Father can know what is in their hearts! if they cannot even be worthy of one woman how they expect to handle a bunch of them? :

Traditional Marriages

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if they cannot even be worthy of one woman how they expect to handle a bunch of them?

I can't imagine handling a bunch of them at all.

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c7sparks --  I so agree with the majority of your post!  (and awesome writing, besides, thank you!)  The "male situation" in the singles church activities is pretty pathetic, to put it mildly.

I would like to comment on these thoughts:

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I seriously double that in this day and age anyone would accept an arranged marriage as done ages ago.

I have a friend from India, she's about 30 - 35 years old, and is in an arranged marriage.  She's very "westernized" as far as culture, i.e., she does not wear the traditional attire of an Indian woman, veils, etc., and was raised in the U.S.  And we've talked about her marriage, how difficult it was for her at first.  They have been married 13 years.  She said it occurred to her about 5 years ago that she truly loved him, and she was so amazed by that!  So it does still happen, and it can still result in a loving union.

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I also believe that traditional gender "roles" are no longer set in stone where two incomes are often necessary just to make ends meet and still provide decent lives and opportunities for the children, or in single parent families, or for women who have been blessed with special skills and given a special work to do outside the home, or as a result of increased educational and career opportunities for women.  Some men still find this a bit disconcerting because they still place subconscious limitations on women to one degree or another.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by all of this together.  I disagree with the idea that it's necessary for both spouses to work "to make ends meet."  If they can't live on one income, they are doing it wrong.  And I would bet that their main point of contention is *money*.  I live fairly comfortably on one (very low)income, and I'm a single parent (who does not receive child support, welfare, or any other sort of government support).  In other words, we have a home, a car, a telephone, a computer and internet access, as well as more than enough books, clothing, shoes, food, and "toys."  And I meet (or exceed) my tithe and offering requirements.  Any couple that can't live on one income, as I said above, just isn't doing it right.

I do agree that men, even in this day and age, are still a bit intimidated by women who are self-sufficient, intelligent, and "non-needy."  (I can squash that spider myself, thank you very much, not to mention fix that plumbing leak, balance my checkbook and my budget, and if you wouldn't mind, put supper on the stove.)

And you are so right.  It's difficult to find any good ones left... it seems like most of the divorced ones are divorced for good reason.  Sad to say for you and I.  But we have hope for the Millenium!

Frankly, I wouldn't mind being "under the protection" of a man's family name, and let him be so busy with the other wives that I can go about my business without too much bother.  :)

Enjoyed your post!

Roz