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Abuse

This is a talk I gave today in Church. Pres. Hinckley was once asked why do we talk about abuse in the Church and the response was something to the likeness of 'because it happens'. In places where the words; 'sex', 'rape', and other sexually expicit words are mentioned I substituted it for other words that described the same meaning without it being shocking for the little ones. Many of my references came from this site along with quotes from the scriptures and Pres. Hinckley. What are some of your thoughts on abuse?

ABUSE

Abuse is the misuse, excessive use or improper use of a person or object. It’s not uncommon to abuse television, a car or even a computer or video game system. When the object doesn’t work as we want it to it may be kicked, thrown, hit or smashed and the only person who suffers is the owner of the object. When the abuse is of a person, everyone involved suffers.

President Gordon B. Hinckley (April 25, 1998)
"...the best families under the heavens."

"Brothers and sisters, there is much of trouble in the homes of our people.  There is much of unkindness, of unkind words, of bitterness, of hatred even, in the homes of our people.  We deal with it constantly.  This is a day of repentance when you and I can turn around and face up to our responsibilities as husbands and wives, as fathers, as parents, and as children."

"The family is a creation of God.  It is the basic unit of society.  All else depends on it.  If the family falls apart, the nation falls apart.  There isn't the slightest question in my mind concerning that."

"Great are the blessings that are promised.  Marvelous are the gifts of God, which are given us out of His love when we are so married.  Take a good look at ourselves and see if we are the kind of husbands we ought to be.  If we are


General handbook of Instructions:
(Quoted in part)

... Victims of rape or sexual abuse frequently suffer serious trauma and feelings of guilt. Victims of the evil acts of others are not guilty of sin. Church officers should treat such victims with sensitivity and should help them regain their sense of innocence and overcome any feelings of guilt. (11-5)

Members who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, or other family members violate the laws of both God and man.

Civil laws have been enacted to protect victims and to help offenders and family members obtain needed assistance. (See also "Restitution," p. 10-2.)

Church members who abuse their family members are subject to discipline by the Church. Such members should not be called to positions in the Church and should not be allowed to hold or receive a temple recommend. Every effort should be made to have them seek the counsel of their bishops and, where necessary, receive professional counseling through LDS Social Services or another private or public agency.


Matthew

18:6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in
me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his
neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

18:7 Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that
offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!


Types of Abuse

Physical Abuse

Physical assault is the most obvious form of Domestic Violence, the most visible, and also the most lethal. Assaults often start small, maybe a small shove during an argument, or forcefully grabbing your wrist, but over time, physical abuse (or battering) usually becomes more severe, and more frequent, and can result in the death of the victim.

Physical abuse is any act of violence on the victim, and can include the following:

   * slapping,
   * kicking,
   * shoving,
   * choking,
   * pinching,
   * forced feeding,
   * pulling hair,
   * punching,
   * throwing things,
   * burning,
   * beating,
   * use of weapons (gun, knives, or any object)
   * physical restraint - pinning against wall, floor, bed, etc.
   * reckless driving, etc.

Basically any behaviour which hurts or physically harms, or is intended to do so.


Threats

Where threats are made within an violent relationship they can be as debilitating as the violence itself. A victim who has already suffered being battered need not imagine the result of displeasing the abuser, or doubt the abuser's ability to carry out the threats. Even where the victim has not been physically assaulted, the abuser will often demonstrate his ability to harm her by punching walls or furniture, kicking the cat/dog, or using aggressive behaviour.

However, many threats are not physical but part of the ongoing emotional abuse. The abuser may threaten to 'disappear' with the children, report his partner to Social Services as an unfit mother, harm a significant third party (e.g. family member), refuse housekeeping, leave or commit suicide. Whether the threats are of a physical, sexual or emotional nature, they are all designed to further control the victim by instilling fear and ensuring compliance. The abuser becomes not only the source of pain and abuse, but also the protector, as he is also the person who can prevent the threatened action, increasing the victim's dependence on him.



Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse can be defined as any sexual encounter without consent and includes any unwanted touching, forced sexual activity, be it oral, anal or vaginal, forcing the victim to perform sexual acts, painful or degrading acts during intercourse (e.g.. urinating on victim), and exploitation through photography or prostitution.

The abuser my use violence to rape his partner (this is most common where physical violence is also current) or he may use only enough force to control his partner's movements (known as 'force-only rape'). Coercion or manipulation in the form of threats, emotional or psychological abuse may also be used, leaving the victim to submit to unwanted sexual acts out of fear or guilt. The abuser may, for instance, imply that should she not submit, he will hit her, leave her and find 'another woman', withdraw the housekeeping, or punish her in some other way. Or the abuser may insist on sex following a physical attack for the victim to 'prove' she has forgiven him. Whatever form of coercion is used, be it physical, financial or emotional, any sexual act which is not based on mutual consent constitutes sexual abuse.

Sexual Abuse can involve any of the following:

   * excessive jealousy
   * calling you sexually derogatory names
   * criticising you sexually
   * forcing unwanted sexual act
   * forcing you to strip
   * sadistic sexual acts
   * withholding sex and/or affection
   * minimising or denying your feelings about sex or sexual preferences
   * forcing sex after physical assault
   * using coercion to force sex
   * taking unwanted sexual photos
   * forcing you into prostitution
   * forcing sex when you are ill or tired


Marital Rape

When sexual abuse occurs within marriage, the victim will often feel very confused as to whether or not she has been 'raped'. It seems obvious to all (general public, law enforcement agencies, religious leaders, etc.) that when a woman (or man) is raped out on the street by a stranger, that rape has occurred and is wrong. When rape occurs within the marriage, neither abuser nor victim may consider it legal rape. This is partially due to the general acceptance of the Christian tradition within our culture which tells us that it is the wife's duty to fulfil her husband's sexual demands. Many women (both religious and non-religious) don't believe they have the right to refuse sex, that 'sex on demand' is an unwritten part of the marriage contract. When they have been raped by their husband, they are inclined to take responsibility for the abuse, furthering the feelings of guilt and lack of self-worth. This blame-taking is further increased by the abuser's justifications, e.g. 'it is your fault for saying no ...'. When no actual physical violence was used (i.e. coercion or force-only ) many men will deny that rape has actually occurred and treat the abuse as though it was normal and by joint consent. This has the effect of further confusing the victim as to the reality of her experience.

Marriage, however, is a contract based on mutual love, respect and consideration. Each party has a right to their own body, and while consideration for each person's sexual needs is normal, forced sexual acts are not an expression of love, but a purposeful betrayal of the respect and trust which form a solid marriage. (Please check out the Article on Marital Rape for more on this topic).

Continued below...

Abuse

Emotional/Psychological Abuse

Many forms of abuse are obviously cruel. Emotional abuse is more subtle. Quite often such abuse goes unseen, as even the victim does not recognize that she is being abused. Although emotional abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is often more seriously damaging to your self-esteem. Emotional abuse is cruel and scars your soul. Physical or sexual abuse is always accompanied and often follows emotional abuse, i.e. emotional battering is used to wear the victim down - often over a long period of time - to undermine her self-concept until she is willing to take responsibility for her abuser's actions and behaviour towards her or simply accept it.

There are many categories of emotional/psychological abuse. They encompass a variety of behaviors that will be easily recognisable by those experiencing them, and often remain completely unnoticed by others.

They include:


Isolation

The abuser will control whom the victim sees, where she goes, whom she speaks to and what she does. This can take the form of simply not allowing her to use the phone, have her friends round or visit her family, or ensuring it simply isn't worth it by being in a bad mood because she left some housework undone, making her feel guilty that she was out enjoying herself while he worked, or even encouraging her - theoretically - to make friends, and then discounting them or complaining that she cares more for her friends/family/hobby than she does him or is neglecting him. Some abusers may move home frequently to prevent their victim from building a social support network.

Many abusers justify their control over their victim by stating that it is proof of their love, or that they worry about their safety when out, etc. In reality however, the abuser needs to isolate his victim to feel secure themselves, they feel as though any relationship, be it family, friend or colleague, will undermine their authority over and take their partner away from them, i.e. poses a threat. The effect of this isolation is that the victim feels very alone in her struggle, doesn't have anyone with whom to do a 'reality check', and is ultimately more dependant on the abuser for all her social needs.

Forms of Isolation include:

   * checking up on you
   * accusing you of unfaithfulness
   * moving to an isolated area
   * ensuring you lack transport or a telephone
   * making your friends or family feel uncomfortable when visiting so that they cease
   * punishing you for being 10 minutes late home from work by complaining, bad moods, criticism or physical abuse
   * not allowing you to leave the house on your own
   * demanding a report on your actions and conversations
   * preventing you from working
   * not allowing any activity which excludes him
   * finding fault with your friends/family
   * insisting on taking you to and collecting you from work

In extreme cases the victim may be reduced to episodes of literally becoming a prisoner, being locked in a room and denied basic necessities, such as warmth, food, toilet or washing facilities.


Verbal Abuse

When thinking of Verbal Abuse we tend to envisage the abuser hurling insulting names at the victim, and while this obviously does happen, there are many more forms than name-calling. The abuser may use critical, insulting or humiliating remarks (e.g. you've got a mind like ditchwater; you're stupid; etc.), he may withhold conversation and refuse to discuss issues, or he may keep you up all night insisting on talking when you need sleep. Verbal abuse undermines your sense of worth, your self-concept (i.e. who you think you are) by discounting your ideals, opinions or beliefs.

Verbal abuse can include:

   * yelling or shouting at you
   * making threats
   * insulting you or your family
   * being sarcastic about or criticising your interests, opinions or beliefs
   * humiliating you either in private or in company
   * sneering, growling, name-calling
   * withholding approval, appreciation, or conversation
   * refusing to discuss issues which are important to you
   * laughing or making fun of you inappropriately
   * leaving nasty messages
   * accusing you of unfaithfulness, not trying hard enough or purposely doing something to annoy
   * blaming you for his failures or other forms of abuse


All of these abusive behaviors prohibit normal, healthy interaction between two adults as well as a lack of respect for individual thoughts, feelings, and opinions. A healthy, mutual interaction and conversation between two persons respects and promotes the right of each partner to their own individual thoughts, perceptions and values.



Financial Abuse

Financial abuse can take many forms, from denying you all access to funds, to making you solely responsible for all finances while handling money irresponsibly himself. Money becomes a tool by which the abuser can further control the victim, ensuring either her financial dependence on him, or shifting the responsibility of keeping a roof over the family's head onto the victim while simultaneously denying your ability to do so or obstructing you.

Financial abuse can include the following:

   * preventing you from getting or keeping a job
   * denying you sufficient housekeeping
   * having to account for every penny spent
   * denying access to cheque book/account/finances
   * putting all bills in your name
   * demanding your paychecks
   * spending money allocated to bills/groceries on himself
   * forcing you to beg or commit crimes for money
   * spending Child Benefit on himself
   * not permitting you to spend available funds on yourself or children



How to overcome

Confession is good for the soul. Repentance


     President Gordon B. Hinckley:  Gen. Conf., Oct. 1996:

             Unfortunately, a few of you (sisters) may be married to men who are abusive.  Some of them put on a fine face before the world during the day and come home in the evening, set aside their self-discipline, and on the slightest provocation fly into outbursts of anger.

             No  man who engages in such evil and unbecoming behavior is worthy of the priesthood of God.  No man who so conducts himself is worthy of the privileges of the house of the Lord.  I regret that there are some men undeserving of the love of their wives and children.

       There are children who fear their fathers, and wives who fear their husbands.  If there be any such men within the hearing of my voice, as a servant of the Lord I rebuke you and call you to repentance.  Discipline yourselves.  Master your temper.  Most of the things that make you angry are of very small consequence.  And what a terrible price you are paying for your anger.  Ask the Lord to forgive you.  Ask your wife to forgive you.  Apologize to your children."

-- Seek out the Bishop/Branch President wether victim or offender.

References:
https://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Types/faces.htm

Abuse Studies Doctrine Mormon

[table] [tr][td] Years a Member: [/td][td] lifetime [/td][/tr] [tr][td] [/td][td] [/td][/tr] [/table]
This is a very good topic  JB. Most folks think that abuse is physical.. but its not.  I am on another list where we have had this discussion..... .  I would like your reference so I can post that for them.....  

Thanks
Sheila

Abuse

Yes, most tend to think of it as just physical. the financial one was interesting to me since I never thought about it that way before.

[quote] I would like your reference so I can post that for them.....[/quote]
I am not sure what you mean by this? You mean you would like to invite those on the other discussion to come see my post here? If so then sure, but they will need to register to see it and follow the rules like everyone else

Abuse

What I want is the conference report What month and year? Ok I had to go back and put in at least 15 words....  12 was not good enough.  Better?

Abuse

[center] I'm Active [/center][table] [tr][td] Years a Member: [/td][td] Lifetime [/td][/tr] [tr][td] [/td][td] [/td][/tr] [/table]
Hi Sheila,

I don't know if you remember me or not, but I remember you.  We met on Sister Share a couple of years ago.  We met in person at... I think it was Wendy's quite a few years ago.  Remember?  I lived in West Valley then.  I can't remember for sure, but I think Mary Brown was with me.

Anyway, all of that is off topic, but the subject of Abuse is hitting very close to home right now since we are dealing with it right now.  What I find frustrating is that the offender is in counseling both professional through LDS Social Services and with the bishop, but the person who was abused has basically been ignored by the bishop.  I found the quote from the CHI (church handbook of instructions) interesting.  The quote read:

"Victims of rape or sexual abuse frequently suffer serious trauma and feelings of guilt. Victims of the evil acts of others are not guilty of sin. Church officers should treat such victims with sensitivity and should help them regain their sense of innocence and overcome any feelings of guilt. (11-5)"

Now I'm wondering how to bring this to the attention of the bishop.  It's hard to talk about this because I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but it directly involves my family and we have been to the bishop to seek counseling for the one who has been abused.  He had suggested a counselor through LDS Social Services, but in order to go there we need a referel from the bishop and now he is refusing to give the referal and refusing to help us get the counseling.  I guess he thinks that counseling with the one who is guilty of the abuse is enough.  It's been really frustrating.

One of the other areas of abuse not mentioned in the article was Unrighteous Dominion... whether practice by a spouse or by a church leader it is the same and is still abuse.  A church leader can cause a lot of damage by exercising unrighteous dominion over those who they are supposed to be leading and guiding.  So, just one other area of abuse to be aware of.

Abuse

[quote] Now I'm wondering how to bring this to the attention of the bishop.  It's hard to talk about this because I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but it directly involves my family and we have been to the bishop to seek counseling for the one who has been abused. [/quote]
Yes, and please do not bring it up here because this is not the place.

[quote] I guess he thinks that counseling with the one who is guilty of the abuse is enough.  It's been really frustrating. [/quote]
(Un)fortunately we do not have a professional clergy trained in these matters, but the Lord did install something that can help. You see no man in the Church is an authority unto himself. So if you do not get a satisfactory response from the bishop then go to the Stake President.

If you are able, and depending on the situation you may need to pay psychologist for an evaluation, but you can also get a letter written stating the need for continued counseling. This will show the seriousness of the matter if no one wants to take it seriously.

Abuse Mormon Doctrine Studies

[quote] What I want is the conference report.  What month and year[/quote]
Conference report? Please see the beginning of the first post: "This is a talk I gave today in Church."

Also: Please see the thread in the Welcome board called, 'Offtopic and quotes' about how to use the offtopic tags for requests and conversation not part of the main subject. Thanks.