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Age Differences Relationships - Psychology, Special Needs, Health - Posted: 15th Feb, 2005 - 1:12am
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Age Differences In Relationships
What do you think about adults and teens having close friendships?
Is it appropriate for a mature, married person with children of their own to have a close friendship with a teenager? I'm not talking about the Big Brother/Big Sister program that is popular in the USA, where the relationship is more mentoring of same-gender; but rather a close, personal relationship -- particularly opposite genders -- between an adult and a teen.
Please keep in mind the forum guidelines in your answers; we aren't getting into any specific behaviors here.
For instance, what do you think in that situation for adult/teen friends to meet at the movies or for dinner? What about private online chatting between adults and teens?
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Post Date: 14th Feb, 2005 - 8:34am / Post ID: #
Relationships Differences Age
I think that a relationship between and adult and a teen can exist and be appropriate. The relationship has to be an equal relationship as all do. I think that the teen has to be mature and the adult has to be well, the adult. The adult cannot over power the teen in a fashion that makes the teen the feel under stress or gets led by the adult. The adult cannot be the type that would take advantage. That being said, I don't know how the teen would know if he was being taken advantage of if the adult was purposely try to mislead or take advantage of the teen.
That being said, these types of relationships can turn bad and end up in one abusing the other either physically, mentally, or emotionally. This type of relationship, no matter how careful the participants, is always dangerous. Teens are just not a mature as adults are and are thus not as capable of having an in-depth relationship, especially one that an adult is going to need and most likely expect. Adults have different needs and expectations from a relationship than young adults and teens do. Its not bad, it just is the way things are.
In any situation, the adult has to be the one to make sure the relationship stays appropriate and in check. If the adult cannot, then a relationship should not be started. I do not think and adult going to the movies with a teen is appropriate Imagine what it would look like and what temptations can happen. It really doesn't matter the sex, the rules still apply, and the rules are more easily broken when you feel more comfortable with someone.
Online relationships are easier and more acceptable. In an online environment, there isn't any physical contact and the relationship can be more easily ended by one or the other. The same rules and caution still apply.
Intent is also an issue. Certain questions must be asked by both parties in the relationship. Why does an adult need a teen as a friend instead of another adult? Why would a teen not associate with other teens their age that obviously share more of their type of interests? What is the possibility of the relationship going further than friendship? How will this be perceived by those who see the situation and how can that be harmful to both parties?
If these questions cannot be answered by one or the other, then the relationship shouldn't continue. If the resulting two parties can keep the rules in mind and make sure to keep their relationship in perspective, then I don't have a problem with the relationship at all.
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| Message Edited! Persephone: Spell check, many joined /jumbled words fixed |
Post Date: 14th Feb, 2005 - 9:29am / Post ID: #
Age Differences In Relationships Health & Special Psychology
Of course a relationship like that could work..as well as not. It all depends on the person involved but overall that kind of relationship is fertile ground for sexual related behavior ..if we like it or not!
Relationships Differences Age
I think it really is only appropriate in a mentor type situation. So, if there is a teen who is experiencing some difficult things in their life that I experienced as a teen, I could probably be a friend to them in that sense. I would be able to offer advice of their situation and maybe help them see it from a different perspective. Then my friendship might help life be a bit more pleasant for them. To me, this almost definately needs to be same sex because otherwise, I don't truly know or understand what it is they are experiencing.
However, I don't think it would be appropriate for me to establish a friendship with someone in their teens (I am in my 40's) simply because it was someone I met and I decided I wanted to be friends. I think I need to socialize with people who are already adults. As much as teens think they are mature and adult already, they are not. I don't mean to offend any teens on this board. I just know when I was in high school, I certainly considered myself to be adult and mature. I didn't think so called "adults" were any more grown up mentally than I was. At 44, I can tell you I was mistaken about that thought when I was 17. It is simply a fact, that a teen still has a lot of growing up to do before they are truly fully mature mentally.
I think such friendships are what leads to the stories we have had in the US news in past years and even just recently about teachers and junior high and high school students having sexual affairs. I am sure it started out as a friendship. When the adult in the relationship began to view the child or teen as an equal adult, it was headed for trouble. This is, as always, just my personal opinion on the topic.
Relationships Differences Age
In my opinion and experience such relationships have been known to be unbalanced and can lead to dangerous situations even if it seems to start out innocent. Therefore I take the position that such a relationship should not exist on the grounds that I will now state.
The first two replies above seem to contradict one another in itself... both start out that it is 'okay' only to end saying that it may not be okay because of a number of reason that out weigh what could happen as a benefit or positive. This brings me right to the point - if the 'risks' involved is greater than the benefits then it is more than likely you are looking for trouble. As Konquererz pointed out, a teen cannot distinguish manipulation and / or alter motives on the part of the adult therefore already they are starting on unequal ground. One must ask how an adult, especially one that is set in life (spouse / children) can find social fulfillment in someone that is surely inexperienced and inadequate within 'adult' conversation. Some may excuse this by saying the teen is 'mature', but what is mature for a teen? They can speak properly? They can walk and talk about the news? Yet it would still be grossly inappropriate to talk with a teen about other adult issues that may come up - and they surely will especially if the teen is curious and the adult does not want to lose 'friendship'.
Another qualifier is this scenario... a teen wants to go to the movies with 'Bill', an adult married with children. The teen asks the parents... "Can I go to the movies with Bill?" The parents reply that it is okay so long as they can meet Bill. The parents are automatically supposing that it will be another teenager only to see a full bodied man pull up in his car - what do you think the reaction of the parents will be?
One of the first signs of protection one is to detect is simply this... 'If it feels to be not right - then it most likely is not right'. If you find yourself having to ask if it is okay - then most likely you are rationalizing. Such will be the case in this kind of relationship.
Now as FarSeer pointed out the qualifier here is that this topic DOES NOT cover a relationship between let's say an Uncle taking the niece out, or a parent asking another adult to watch a teen and so they go out to let the time pass away - we are talking about a full experienced adult seeking to have a relationship with a teenager. This does not seem right to me on all counts and that is why it never stands up in court (the adult is always considered 'predator' and the behavior of such enticements 'predatory').
The following shows some possible controls on the part of the Adult / abuser and the reasons the Victim or Teen may fall for it:
Reasons for abuse | Why a victim stays
Power and control <==> Bonds with abuser
Abuse during childhood <==> Hope that things will get better
Jealousy <==> Romantic ideal that love conquers all
Feels trapped <==> Fear that partner will not let go
Peer pressure and gender roles <==> Lack of resources
Insecurity <==> Low self confidence
Uncontrollable anger <==> Feels trapped
Low self confidence <==> Does not understand the consequences
Ref. Although not entirely related the sites goes into finding out if your teen may be in such a relationship: https://www.atg.wa.gov/violence/FAQParents.shtml
Age Differences In Relationships
I agree with all the mentoring comments. However, if the person is really older (grandparent type age), then I do not see this as a bad thing. Basically, if you can get past the age where the relationship "could" become more than initially intended or too far than it should, then I do not see this as a problem. The man that lived next door to us was very old and widowed and I used to go over and visit him often.
Probably not what you were looking for,
Vincenzo
Age Differences Relationships
| QUOTE |
| Mary K. Letourneau, the former Burien elementary school teacher who had an illegal intimate relationship with one of her sixth-grade students, plans to wed the man she was convicted of raping.Letourneau, 43, and Vili Fualaau, 22, plan to wed April 16, according to an online bridal registry. |
Here is an example of a relationship between and adult and a child that was definately not appropriate. Regardless of how the relationship has lasted, the fact is this guy was no more than a boy when this relationship began. Imagine if it were your 12 year old! Twelve, for crying out loud!
| QUOTE |
The relationship, which began when Fualaau was a student in Letourneau's class at Shorewood Elementary School in 1996, has endured despite their 22-year age difference, Fualaau's unsuccessful 2002 civil suit against Letourneau's former school district and her 7 1/2-year prison sentence for child rape. Letourneau was a married mother of four when she began a sexual relationship with the then-12-year-old Fualaau. |
Now, if they had met today with this age difference I might say so what. After all, many men in their 40's hook up with women in their 20's why can't it be the other way around. Also, you might note she was a married woman with children. So, the notion that someone who is married is "safe" because they aren't looking for anything more than a friendship is wrong.
| QUOTE |
Critics say Letourneau has garnered an unusual amount of sympathy for a woman who is a convicted Level 2 sex offender. But Soriano said Letourneau was not a sexual predator, she is simply in love with a man more than two decades younger than her. |
The point is, that is not what happened. This boy has been exploited by this woman. What kind of life is he going to have. Two children, no education, not even HS diploma, and a level two sexual predator for a wife! He will be paying the consequences of the actions of this woman for the remainder of his life.
All quotes are from https://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6966883/
Age Differences Relationships Psychology Special & Health
I don't think that friendships should be limited just by a detail such as age. If two people like each other, have interesting conversation, then why not? Of course, it could become a sexual relation, just as a relation of two married adults can, or two teenagers.
| QUOTE |
| Mary K. Letourneau, the former Burien elementary school teacher who had an illegal intimate relationship with one of her sixth-grade students, plans to wed the man she was convicted of raping.Letourneau, 43, and Vili Fualaau, 22, plan to wed April 16, according to an online bridal registry. |
No average adult will do this kind of thing. No one who starts a relation with honest and innocent intents will end up in that kind of situation. Of course, the question arises: how can you know what one's intents are? You don't, but you can have a pretty good assessment, just like with your other friends in your own age.
I do agree, however, with Konquerer'z post. Different ages have different expectations of relationships. What teenagers do with their friends will differ from what adults do. As long as they both realize that, I think there is no problem with their relationship.
TOPIC: Age Differences In Relationships